These past couple days I've felt a bit disembodied. I hope it is just a moment in my human existence that is out of balance and will return to equilibrium on its own. It may be the reason I missed Iaido this week, besides the cold, darkness on the other side of my apartment door.
My mind feels empty, because I feel as if it is floating somewhere above my body. However, it is not quiet. Maybe it left my body to try to find peace, but now it just hovers there, swimming. It is the feeling you feel when you just wake up. Not fully alert. The internal fire is low.
Work has been a bit stressful. Another teacher today found out I was going. She was surprised I had decided not to stay. She asked me what I was going to do. I responded in earnest, "I don't know." I told her my reason for leaving is that being an ALT would become boring if I worked at the same place for too long. I think this is true, but not really the reason. Again, I am flattered in knowing that my seemingly nonchalant co-workers will be sad to see me go.
As far as jobs go, it isn't actually all that bad. But it is a lot of little, unimportant things that build making me unsatisfied with my job. Things that I probably could change if I really tried to, for the most part. I feel imprisoned, but not completely uncomfortable. I am grateful for the past 2 and a half years! The job has allowed me to travel to many countries, support myself, learn a lot and grow as an individual. However, I am not happy. But there are many things that make me very happy and feel accomplished. I could be disillusioned. A fresh collage graduate whisked away to a foreign land with a good salary. However, I think that veil of adventure is lifting with time and that is the reason why I have become unsatisfied. More of my goals met. Stronger in my position. Advanced. Experienced. But, unsatisfied.
Recently I worry about my health. Not that there is great cause for concern, but I definitely feel my body limiting. It isn't as agile as I would like. It get's tired when I want to be alert to soak up information. It has trouble processing information to be deftly executed. Recently it has just felt like sleeping. It is a concern, and I wonder if it is just a combination of age and stress. I need to make a conscious action to improve my health through lifestyle and diet. But I can't help but to ask myself, "Do you remember the days when you were immortal?"
I don't know what it is, but from the time I arrived upon this earth, it as if I can feel the god energy draining from me. Even just 10 years ago, while I was a confused adolescent, I could feel the energy coursing through my veins. Now, many things seem dull. I can't even remember my best memory, nor my worst. Every thought just a shadow, that fades when I turn my head to look at it. Is this what it means to be human? I can feel the weight of my own flesh upon me.
My mind is swimming. The waves carry questions. What is the meaning of my mortal existence?What is my next move? Can I do it? How do I become stronger? How do I become wiser? Can I truly wake up? What makes me happy? Will I find the energy? Can I motivate myself properly?
Snowboarding atop Oku Ibuki, Shiga.
1 comment:
Funny you say that, I'm also getting a bit nervous with my future. But isn't the scariest adventures in front of us that we can't see are also the most rewarding. Then again, it can go balls up and just completely shit on you. But i feel for you, old friend.
Post a Comment