Today the principle called me into his office to inquire about my decision. I told him that I do not plan on staying a fourth year. He seemed disappointed. It makes me happy knowing that he values my work enough to try to convince me to stay. But it makes me sad knowing that I will be leaving a job that pays well and values my work. It makes the decision that much harder. Makes me wonder if I am thinking straight.
The last two and a half years have been a challenge. First, I was dealing with the isolation of living in a small town with no real support for foreign residents. Thankfully it wasn’t my first time to Japan. Then as I started getting use to quiet evenings alone in my apartment, and actually starting to enjoy them, my job and co-workers started irritating me.
It wasn’t that my job was bad or that my co-workers were mean. It was that I felt relatively transparent, although everyone was looking at me. I didn’t find the environment very welcoming, although I didn’t have a reason to really feel like the teachers had anything against me. Maybe we were both just shy. I still didn’t understand working in Japan, and they may have been worried about the only foreigner in the room. I loved teaching my students though. My first year and my second year with my students seemed to make everything okay, although my time in the classroom was very limited.
About a year ago my supervisor changed and my favorite group of kids left for high school. At first things seemed okay, just different. Then that difference reared its head as a problem. My supervisor was very unorganized, making my schedules overloaded and irratic. I became very busy, which I wanted until it was a busy in a underutilized manner. I have to plan a few full classes but my free time is used standing in a classroom as a human tape recorder. Students with behavioral problems, although nothing I feel like I can’t handle or really have to handle only being an assistant. It just makes it more difficult to teach.
Something keeps running through my head. It could be worse.
I may live in the countryside. But I am not in the middle of nowhere. After all I can be in one of Japan’s most famous cities, Kyoto, in 90 minutes. I see the greener grass on the other side of the fence though and want it. Kyoto and a life full of avenues are tempting me. Bigger cities, bigger possibilities.
I get paid a lot. I am fully insured. It is the first time in my life where I’m given opportunities to travel freely. Buy nice things. Eat whatever I want. Pay off loans. Pursue my interests. This is what I will miss the most. The freedom my somewhat imprisoning job gives me. I grew up on second hand and meager surroundings. To taste luxury once and a while makes the trials I've faced worth it.
My co-workers although a bit cold, are anything but mean. Every time I have talked to them, they have been courteous and friendly. My supervisor, although unorganized, I feel means well.
I’ve lived here for long enough that things are familiar. I have found an Iaido dojo to give me something to do during the week. I’ve met a wonderful girl who travels long distances on weekends to my house, which makes things much less lonely. It seems like the pieces of the past two years are finally coming together into a life.
Things seem great! However, I don’t look forward to going to work in the morning. Sometimes it causes me stress. I wonder if it is just the way I handle things and if I am not being grateful for all the amazing things being on JET has allowed me. I’m wondering if not re-contracting is a stupid move. Or on the flip side, I’m wondering if I am just afraid of making a leap towards change.
Am I afraid of change or stupid for leaving this all behind? Could I change the bad things and make them better? Or should I just start over from the beginning with the knowledge I gained up this point? Leave the money, the comfort and the professional dissatisfaction? JET is one of the best opportunities to teach English in Japan, but every situation is different so my particular situation may not be the best although it is light years from the worst. Knowing this, makes the decision that much harder.
I’m fed up with bosses and people scheduling my work (life) for me. I want to try doing it alone. Going freelance in Japan and teaching eikaiwa or working in a more supportive environment for my interests. It’s scary because I can become dead broke doing freelance. I have a feeling that I can also make more money, too. Be in control of what, how and when I teach. Live in a more urban area. This is if I decide to stay in Japan. My girlfriend really wants me to stay in Japan, obviously. I am looking forward to going back to the U.S., but I don’t know what kind of work I can do there. My degree and current work experience leads me back to Japan, although I hope I don’t have to teach English forever here.
There is also issues with visas. No easy task in Japan, especially if you do not have a company sponsor. Since 2010 they have made "self-sponsored" visas much more difficult to get. I love my girlfriend, but I don't want to marry her to stay in Japan.
I also want adventure. I want to go to Europe. Visit Finland, the UK, France, Italy, Greece! I’ve heard that maybe I can find work in Prague. The city seems amazing! Should I continue living a free life of a young man or consider the future and stability? Paradoxically, deep down I feel the freest life is the most stable.
Recently my mind has been living in the future. Although my present is safe, something is pulling me away. My signature decides my fate. I feel my fate is to meet the unknown.
Photograph by: =eyesweb1 @ Deviant Art
