Pearl of Wisdom

Recently many of my posts have drifted from Japanese culture and into my mind. After being in Japan for nearly three years, most of the surface culture has become so much apart of my life that I find it very hard to write about it, let alone even notice it. Now with my time in Japan at my current job drawing to an end, I have many things that are running through my mind. Today I had a conversation with one of my friends about the future. I'm struggling with what I will eventually choose when the time comes. What path is best, especially when it comes to the choice of adventure or love?

I'll relay that conversation to you now, in hopes that this wisdom can be passed down to help others who may be wandering the chasms of the mind in the same way that I am.

Me: "Yeah. That's why the decision is hard.

Buildings wait for you, culture lasts for generations, they will almost always be there in some way or another to enjoy or test you. But human life is definite, and the window of opportunity to share it with others is very short.

I find very few things that I dislike about [my girlfriend], and plenty of things that I admire. Things I value because I think they are rare traits in humanity: perseverance, loyalty, adaptablity, patience, genuineness, empathy, understanding. Will it be so easy to find someone else that possesses these things?

But choosing her sets my course away from a wanderer of far off lands, to a more stable and predictable future. To a future that I will not be able to answer that very question, "How many people possess these admirable traits?" My mind is young and full of curiosity, it is also naive. That is why it is hard for me to decide these things."

Friend: "It's a tough one no doubt. If I look back on my life, most of my most memorable moments are with girlfriends. Sure, some relationships turned out to be not such a great idea, but no matter what, while things were good, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Companionship gives you things that no building or culture can. And you can't just hop on a train or plane to find it. I say hang on as long as you can. No harm in trying and seeing where things go. But the moment when/if doubt enters your mind, don't hesitate to make a change."

My friend is wiser than myself in both years and world experience. So I valued his opinion and looking back on his own life for me. His words rang true to me, and so I will take his wisdom as a factor in my future decisions.

Lastly, I will attach a photo of Japanese culture! Enjoy!

Barriers

In life everyone has barriers. Some are physical, some are mental. Sometimes we jump can jump over these barriers.

Recently, I jumped over a barrier. It was literally a fence. But in order to jump over it, I had to overcome a wall in my mind. The mental portion was harder to climb than the physical. It was strange the moment I jumped into uncharted territory. It was as if tasting the forbidden fruit. The keepers of the barrier never want you to taste this fruit. This fruit is knowledge. This knowledge is truth. This truth is freedom.

The fence was there. I jumped over. In that moment my mind was free. Something changed. I wish I could tell you all the story, but it is secret. If you know me and we meet, ask me about the day I jumped the fence and scaled a wall in twenty seconds.

The reason why I am making this entry is to convince others to jump that fence. Jump into the unknown. The forbidden. Discover for yourself. But be wise. Do not harm others. But know that such a leap is not without risk.

Spring: Starting Over

The sweat is starting to accumulate under my sweater. I can hear birds singing and a crow almost gets knocked off a tree by his evil brother. The cherry blossoms in Kansai have come and are already on their way out. The urge to take off my pants when I walk through the door is back. Ah yes, winter is gone at long last. Spring is finally here and it is only a matter of time before the heat of a thousand suns and the humidity of a hundred swimming pools dumps itself on the beautiful green fields and concrete jungles of Japan.

In Japan the fiscal and academic new year starts with spring. Unlike my home country where everything either starts in the dead winter of January or the beginning of Autumn in September, Japan hails the coming of the new spring with new opportunities, students and teachers.

I know I've mentioned it in previous posts so I won't go into details. But this past year has both been amazing and extremely frustrating. With the coming of April, my supervisor has changed, we have almost 200 bright eyed new students and it is much easier to wake up when I don't have to face 6 degrees of bitter coldness on the other side of my sheets. I'm even finding that I will miss my quiet town and many of the reawakened smiles after winter's slumber. The warm sun really lets me appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds my home. And without me mentally cursing the frigid air, I even enjoy my short five minute ride to work in the morning. A convenience that I shall also miss.

When I notice this peaceful and comfortable lifestyle. Surrounded by a quiet neighborhood and my students calling out my name on my way to work or a trip to the supermarket for dinner, I truly question my choice to leave. With the change of a supervisor and a bunch of great new kids as well as my confidence at my school, I really think I will miss this place.

However, three years can be considered a long time. And maybe I have just become enlightened to the finer points of life. It actually all began after visiting an old friend visiting Japan and a few drinks. I rode my bike back from my station to my home, and decided to take a stroll around my neighborhood at midnight. Suddenly, something just changed and since that moment, I've been much happier and content.

So now, after many years of work and only a few months before leaving I am content with where I am and the work I do, for the most part anyway. It's rather ironic. However, contentment is usually caused by comfortably. Comfortably is nice, but it usually is caused by stagnation. When stagnant, it is hard to grow into a more powerful and whole individual. So maybe although I finally feel like everything fits, maybe it is a blessing that things are about to change. Another challenge to test my metal. Hopefully with what I have learned I can make my next life even better, and find myself in an even better situation.

Speaking of situations. I have learned that I will not be unemployed come August! Yes, I have found another job...in Japan. It isn't my dream job, and it is actually only temporary. It is still teaching English as an ALT, but I will work at both a high school and junior high school. So I should gain some knowledge working with an age group I have very little experience with. The city I will move to has a few more things than where I live now, and it is a bit more accessible. Pay and benefits are a little less, but that is to be expected when coming from the JET Programme. However, it feels like a good and somewhat safe move in a form of natural progression. Plus, I may even be teaching some of my junior high students in high school since the new school is only about 20 minutes away by train from where I live now. It will give me a time extension to contemplate my next move. Let me feel more certain on if I want to really leave the profession of English teaching. I can also continue making student loan payments which are currently my ball and chain.

I look forward to the next chapter, and hope that it will be better than all the previous ones. Until then, I will thoroughly enjoy this one.

Cherry Blossoms at the Osaka Mint Bureau

Swimming in a Disembodied Sea of Thoughts

Funny. Last time I made a post, I also skipped Iaido...

These past couple days I've felt a bit disembodied. I hope it is just a moment in my human existence that is out of balance and will return to equilibrium on its own. It may be the reason I missed Iaido this week, besides the cold, darkness on the other side of my apartment door.

My mind feels empty, because I feel as if it is floating somewhere above my body. However, it is not quiet. Maybe it left my body to try to find peace, but now it just hovers there, swimming. It is the feeling you feel when you just wake up. Not fully alert. The internal fire is low.

Work has been a bit stressful. Another teacher today found out I was going. She was surprised I had decided not to stay. She asked me what I was going to do. I responded in earnest, "I don't know." I told her my reason for leaving is that being an ALT would become boring if I worked at the same place for too long. I think this is true, but not really the reason. Again, I am flattered in knowing that my seemingly nonchalant co-workers will be sad to see me go.

As far as jobs go, it isn't actually all that bad. But it is a lot of little, unimportant things that build making me unsatisfied with my job. Things that I probably could change if I really tried to, for the most part. I feel imprisoned, but not completely uncomfortable. I am grateful for the past 2 and a half years! The job has allowed me to travel to many countries, support myself, learn a lot and grow as an individual. However, I am not happy. But there are many things that make me very happy and feel accomplished. I could be disillusioned. A fresh collage graduate whisked away to a foreign land with a good salary. However, I think that veil of adventure is lifting with time and that is the reason why I have become unsatisfied. More of my goals met. Stronger in my position. Advanced. Experienced. But, unsatisfied.

Recently I worry about my health. Not that there is great cause for concern, but I definitely feel my body limiting. It isn't as agile as I would like. It get's tired when I want to be alert to soak up information. It has trouble processing information to be deftly executed. Recently it has just felt like sleeping. It is a concern, and I wonder if it is just a combination of age and stress. I need to make a conscious action to improve my health through lifestyle and diet. But I can't help but to ask myself, "Do you remember the days when you were immortal?"

I don't know what it is, but from the time I arrived upon this earth, it as if I can feel the god energy draining from me. Even just 10 years ago, while I was a confused adolescent, I could feel the energy coursing through my veins. Now, many things seem dull. I can't even remember my best memory, nor my worst. Every thought just a shadow, that fades when I turn my head to look at it. Is this what it means to be human? I can feel the weight of my own flesh upon me.

My mind is swimming. The waves carry questions. What is the meaning of my mortal existence?What is my next move? Can I do it? How do I become stronger? How do I become wiser? Can I truly wake up? What makes me happy? Will I find the energy? Can I motivate myself properly?

Snowboarding atop Oku Ibuki, Shiga.

Heijoshin 平常心

I missed another Iaido class. In order to make up for it, I decided to read some philosophy. I particularly like learning about heijoshin, true peace of mind, and how it reflects in society. I figured I'd share a little.

"Society is like our collective shadow. If the shadow is bent and twisted, no amount of effort can straighten it. Only by straightening ourselves does our shadow also straighten, and then it does so effortlessly and automatically. So it is that reform must start with individuals and spread through society. It is a grassroots process in which each of us is either part of the disease or part of the cure."

Shimabukuro & Pellman, "Flashing Steel Second Edition" Berkeley, California 2008.

Sign On the Dotted Line

It’s only a little over two weeks away. February 10th. The day I must let my local board of education know about my re-contracting decision.

Today the principle called me into his office to inquire about my decision. I told him that I do not plan on staying a fourth year. He seemed disappointed. It makes me happy knowing that he values my work enough to try to convince me to stay. But it makes me sad knowing that I will be leaving a job that pays well and values my work. It makes the decision that much harder. Makes me wonder if I am thinking straight.

The last two and a half years have been a challenge. First, I was dealing with the isolation of living in a small town with no real support for foreign residents. Thankfully it wasn’t my first time to Japan. Then as I started getting use to quiet evenings alone in my apartment, and actually starting to enjoy them, my job and co-workers started irritating me.

It wasn’t that my job was bad or that my co-workers were mean. It was that I felt relatively transparent, although everyone was looking at me. I didn’t find the environment very welcoming, although I didn’t have a reason to really feel like the teachers had anything against me. Maybe we were both just shy. I still didn’t understand working in Japan, and they may have been worried about the only foreigner in the room. I loved teaching my students though. My first year and my second year with my students seemed to make everything okay, although my time in the classroom was very limited.

About a year ago my supervisor changed and my favorite group of kids left for high school. At first things seemed okay, just different. Then that difference reared its head as a problem. My supervisor was very unorganized, making my schedules overloaded and irratic. I became very busy, which I wanted until it was a busy in a underutilized manner. I have to plan a few full classes but my free time is used standing in a classroom as a human tape recorder. Students with behavioral problems, although nothing I feel like I can’t handle or really have to handle only being an assistant. It just makes it more difficult to teach.

Something keeps running through my head. It could be worse.

I may live in the countryside. But I am not in the middle of nowhere. After all I can be in one of Japan’s most famous cities, Kyoto, in 90 minutes. I see the greener grass on the other side of the fence though and want it. Kyoto and a life full of avenues are tempting me. Bigger cities, bigger possibilities.

I get paid a lot. I am fully insured. It is the first time in my life where I’m given opportunities to travel freely. Buy nice things. Eat whatever I want. Pay off loans. Pursue my interests. This is what I will miss the most. The freedom my somewhat imprisoning job gives me. I grew up on second hand and meager surroundings. To taste luxury once and a while makes the trials I've faced worth it.

My co-workers although a bit cold, are anything but mean. Every time I have talked to them, they have been courteous and friendly. My supervisor, although unorganized, I feel means well.

I’ve lived here for long enough that things are familiar. I have found an Iaido dojo to give me something to do during the week. I’ve met a wonderful girl who travels long distances on weekends to my house, which makes things much less lonely. It seems like the pieces of the past two years are finally coming together into a life.

Things seem great! However, I don’t look forward to going to work in the morning. Sometimes it causes me stress. I wonder if it is just the way I handle things and if I am not being grateful for all the amazing things being on JET has allowed me. I’m wondering if not re-contracting is a stupid move. Or on the flip side, I’m wondering if I am just afraid of making a leap towards change.

Am I afraid of change or stupid for leaving this all behind? Could I change the bad things and make them better? Or should I just start over from the beginning with the knowledge I gained up this point? Leave the money, the comfort and the professional dissatisfaction? JET is one of the best opportunities to teach English in Japan, but every situation is different so my particular situation may not be the best although it is light years from the worst. Knowing this, makes the decision that much harder.

I’m fed up with bosses and people scheduling my work (life) for me. I want to try doing it alone. Going freelance in Japan and teaching eikaiwa or working in a more supportive environment for my interests. It’s scary because I can become dead broke doing freelance. I have a feeling that I can also make more money, too. Be in control of what, how and when I teach. Live in a more urban area. This is if I decide to stay in Japan. My girlfriend really wants me to stay in Japan, obviously. I am looking forward to going back to the U.S., but I don’t know what kind of work I can do there. My degree and current work experience leads me back to Japan, although I hope I don’t have to teach English forever here.

There is also issues with visas. No easy task in Japan, especially if you do not have a company sponsor. Since 2010 they have made "self-sponsored" visas much more difficult to get. I love my girlfriend, but I don't want to marry her to stay in Japan.

I also want adventure. I want to go to Europe. Visit Finland, the UK, France, Italy, Greece! I’ve heard that maybe I can find work in Prague. The city seems amazing! Should I continue living a free life of a young man or consider the future and stability? Paradoxically, deep down I feel the freest life is the most stable.

Recently my mind has been living in the future. Although my present is safe, something is pulling me away. My signature decides my fate. I feel my fate is to meet the unknown.


Photograph by: =eyesweb1 @ Deviant Art