Updates and Ramblings

It’s been a while since the last time I have made a post.

A lot has happened, and my head has been swimming with many thoughts. However, I have not got around to sharing many of them.

Every day that passes, the situation in Japan gets better. But progress is slow. There are still thousands of displaced people in Tohoku. But there are also thousands who want to help. The nuclear cores at the Fukushima reactor are still critical, but there are no new developments. News is either starting to die down, or I am reading it less.

Reminder on a Kyoto light post. "Not Alone! Tohoku! Japan! You'll never walk alone."

About a week after the March 11^th earthquake, my mom came to Japan. It was a hard decision for her, since she worried about Japan being in a state of post apocalyptic collapse. Thankfully, her coming has shown her that Japan is a much larger country than just a small speck that was radioactively washed away in a big wave. I took her all over Kansai, and hope that she has fond memories of a country that has played a great part in shaping who I am today, for better and worse.

My mom has many Japanese boy(?) friends.

At an old temple in Nara.

It’s already May! It’s seems like a few weeks ago was the New Year and I was in Thailand. On Saturday I went for a hike through a ravine filled with wild flowers.

My town's flower: Rhododenron

Nature's symmetry

As time passes I am both happy and sad that I will be in Japan until July 2012. Happy that I have a job, but frustrated at the isolation that living in Japan can bring. This is compounded by living in an isolated town. I’m noticing the passage of time moving more quickly, and realizing its effects on my physical body. It’s madding, knowing that every minute that passes is a minute lost in memory.

I’m unsure if I am getting stronger or breaking down when it comes to my social life. I’ve been pretty burnt out at trying to feel included in things, to actually feel wanted somewhere. The amount of money I have to spend to try to connect with people is enormous, resulting in a few recent lonely weekends and realizing that people rarely go out of their way for me. I try to inject myself into situations hoping to give myself the opportunity to meet someone awesome. However, most times even if I do meet someone, a true and lasting connection is never made. The friendship is fleeting and has no concrete value. This superficiality of things has worn on me, and the mask that everyone wears has confused everything down to my very mortal existence. I’ve considered that although I long for this connection there is the possibility that subconsciously I fear connecting with others.

Every time I feel I am moving forward, I am somehow beaten back. I’m starting to think this is how it is suppose to be. I’m becoming less depressed and more complacent; maybe I was destined to be solitary. Although I enjoy the comfort that the invisibility can give— it is empty. The battle against loneliness has been stressful with very few spoils of victory, and it may be less painful to just embrace the emptiness. After all, the better half of a cup is the empty half, if the substance is poison.

In hopes to clear the madness from my own mind, I leave tomorrow for Yakushima, a small island south of Kyushu. Alone in the primeval forest I hope to find something, hopefully some peace from my own negative thoughts and some enlightenment.